Pizza Makes Keto Awesome

There really is such a thing as delicious keto pizza.

This is my third time on a low carb diet. The fact I use the phrase ‘low carb diet’ is how you know I’m a low carb dinosaur. The cool kids call it ‘keto’ now.

I’m not cool.

I’m sick of bacon.

(Shocker. You do actually get sick of bacon at some point. Enjoy your glory pork days.)

I don’t want to eat cubes of butter.

Or coconut oil

Bulletproof coffee isn’t ever going to happen.

And the bulletproof tea was gross, too.

So what the hell am I eating on this third pass? Not much. If my body didn’t require low carb, I’d be eating differently. I’m pushing through because of a health issue that does best with low carb (this is how you know my karma is for poo. I want to eat beans and apples and the universe is like, ‘oh no, can’t have that.).

What is saving me these days is a mystical food called ‘fathead pizza’. The ingredients read like a prank list.

Mix cheese and butter with whaaaat? And it’s going to make pizza? Is everyone high?

I had such a look of skepticism on my face the first time I made fathead pizza I got a headache. But it made pizza. Actual pizza.

Pizza happened.

And it was way better than I expected.

Okay, let’s be real. It’s not pizza pizza. You can’t put a lot of sauce on it. This is not a crust that holds up when wet, but you can make pizza that will satisfy the worst carb craving and make you go ‘hot damn, that’s good’.

It’s so good that I make the crust in batches every week and keep it in the fridge for last minute meals or snacks. I either use it to make a quick pizza by the slice or for flatbread sandwiches.

Yes, sandwiches. On keto. Fancy grilled cheese type sandwiches to be precise. I heat all the fixings in the microwave and slide them onto the crust and top with another piece. So far, I’ve done:

Ham and brie,

Wilted spinach with garlic, roasted chicken, feta and tzatziki sauce,

And turkey with smoked gouda and pickled onions.

I’ve even made calzones and empanada-like yummies with this stuff.

As it turns out fathead pizza is more than pizza.

It’s a miracle that makes low carb — err..excuse my dinosaur dna, I meant keto, fathead pizza makes keto work for me. It’ll probably help you, too.

Here’s how I make it.

First, preheat your oven to 425F.

In the microwave…

Heat 2 tablespoons of butter with 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese.

(Do NOT use other cheeses unless you like disasters). Go for 30 seconds and stir like Lady MacBeth tries to wash blood off her hands. Which is to say, stir your ass off.

If it’s not all melted, pop it back in for another 30–40 seconds. Keep stirring. You must get the butter and cheese incorporated.

Once the cheese and butter are all gooey and mixed together, set that bowl aside and prep your dry ingredients.

In a mixing bowl…

Blend one cup almond flour* with one egg and whatever spices you like. I add some powdered garlic, salt and a little paprika. If you have spice blends on hand that you like…add ’em in.

Keep one egg on standby. We’re going to use the yolk but not just yet.

Last step…

Mix the cheese with the almond flour*. It will look terrible. You will doubt me. You will doubt yourself. You will question the Keto Gods even, but it’s going to be okay. Just hang in there. Keep mixing.

Now, be brave and add an egg yolk.

The yolk is the magic that makes the dough come together. You’ll have a kind of sticky, goopy dough ball at this point. That’s how it’s supposed to look. You’ve done nothing wrong. Keto pizza is weird.

Use a spatula to transfer your dough onto a greased baking sheet. I use damp fingers to press the dough out until it’s fairly thin. Bake the crust naked for five minutes. Add your toppings (light on the sauce**!) and bake for another 5 minutes or so.

And voila! You have a life line that will keep you keto and happy at the same time!

• *Almond flour is mainstream enough that it’s on the shelf at most grocery stores these days. However, you can also order it from Amazon. And no, I would NOT substitute other flours for this recipe.
• **If you like lots of sauce, do a dipping sauce. I also don’t recommend pesto on this crust, it tends to separate and make the crust gummy in my experience.